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Jack White covered Led Zepplin tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Your argument is invalid. This set list is epic! I’m glad he tossed it up!
I had a shit upbringing. My parents would deny it, because that’s what my mother would do. She stayed with my wretched father for us – through his alcholism and his emotional abuse he put us through. I should be thankful that I wasn’t raped by him, murdered or physically tortured like other cases I’ve read about, where the father is the one guzzling down three bottles of red wine a night and bashing his wife. No my family suffered emotionally and financially. I should be thankful. But I’m not. I never want to go back to those days, where I felt like I was the one to blame. I had the shit experience of having to feel like I was shit some years later, thanks to various males in my life. It’s what part of growing up, isn’t it? You love, you get burnt. No. I hate myself for putting myself in those positions because I was too blind to see what was happening.
It’s a known fact. I hate myself.
I will never learn to love myself for who I am. I always want to better than people. I always want to be thinner. I always want to be prettier. That’s what gets me in a knot – because I always want what I can’t have. Because it only makes me upset that I will never live out my life like everybody else around me. I will never have the father for my kids, I wanted him to be – the father figure I lacked. I’m a girl with a lot of daddy issues because I will never forgive him for how he made me feel at such a young age. I will never forgive him for breaking up our family. I will never forgive him period. Even if he dies tomorrow, I may not forgive him. I would mourn him, but I would never forgive – mourning and forgiving are two different things.
I see him once in a blue mood. It’s like one big reality show where it’s scripted and you’re meant to act good for the sake of production and audience. The same goes for my sister – that was a disaster in the making that relationship. She always wanted to be the mother of the family, being first born and all, but at the end of the day, she pushed me away even more. I resent her. She’s just like my father. I would mourn her, but I wouldn’t forgive her.
Today, I thought about suicide.
Scary fucking thought hey? It scared the shit out of me too. I have said this in a previous blog post – there’s one thing in the world stopping me from completely necking it. My girls. You can leave me homeless, leave me without food and water but I will love them. They have been the only family that have somewhat seen me through hard times recently, and thoroughly. I can’t even type this without crying, because it’s that frightening. The most horrifying thing about committing suicide is the very thought of no one finding my girls for days at end, after I slit all the veins in my wrists and let myself bleed out all over the kitchen floor. They would be hungry, they would be dirty and they would be unloved. I never want them to grow up, thinking that I killed myself because of them – because it’s the exact thought I had growing up with my father – he was an alcholic at the end of the day because of me. It was all my fault. I didn’t know why, but it was my fault because no one was around to explain that his alcholism had been going on before I was even born. I could never do that to them.
I’m overtired as fuck.
I should be happy.
But I’m ballin’.
Instead of trying to figure out why I felt so bad this afternoon and writing everything down, it’s made me worse. I want to crawl into bed and go to sleep.
I never want to wake up.
I want to be comatised for eternity.
But that would be hypocritical if I want to watch my girls grow up to have a life, I couldn’t have at that age.
I feel like fucking puking now.
My anxiety attacks are a downward spiral lately and combined with borderline bipolar and depression, it’ll be the death of me one day. Just not today. Being comotise and dead are two different things. I want to wake up and don’t want these memories to exist. Hell, I don’t even want to remember my own name when I wake up.
I don’t expect sympathy for this. I don’t want sympathy because frankly no matter how much I cry or write, no one will ever understand me. My words have just made me more upset than calm, like I had hoped. I don’t know what I want at the end of the day other than being a coma patient with cerebral cortex damage.
In a world set in the genetically modified future, you have one hard decision to make in your entire life time and that could pave the way for fortunate, or unfortunate things for you. Abnegation, Candor, Erudite, Amity or Dauntless are the factions Beatrice, the protagonist, is faced with to choose from. But no one ever mentioned Divergent as being a faction to her. Veronica Roth, has created this futuristic novel, Divergent, that follows the life of young Beatrice, (who then later gets known as Tris later in the book) and her adventures in the quick and cunning faction of Dauntless.
Being the youngest of her selfless Abnegation family, Beatrice has set herself up for some adventure. The initiation process is tough and grueling, both mentally and physically, but on the lighter side of things, she meets some friends and of course, foes, along the way. But what is ahead for everyone in the Dauntless faction, no one saw coming. She must separate friends from foes as she finds out on more than one occasion, that sometimes you have to be selfless in order to be brave.
This book sets the initial foundations for the Divergent trilogy of books, which has recently been made into a motion picture which was firstly published in 2011 (I was reading a 2013 edition). Using the first person narrative, Roth plunges the reader head fist into the deep end immediately, which can be confusing at times and it’s up to the reader to try and piece things together. Initially, I was unsure of Roth’s technique to immediately put the reader in the deep end, but as I read on, the technique was somewhat justified. On the terms of character development between Beatrice and other characters, it’s a rickety edge on some characters and I would have liked to see more of a development between Beatrice and her parents in the first few chapters. But in having said that, I liked the cautionary approach to the relationship between Beatrice and Four.
Be aware mature adult readers, that this book is designed for a teenager audience and you may be used to more of an extensive and diverse plot, but Divergent will not be for you if you set your expectations too high. In having said that, coming from a literary point of view, it has had a few good climaxes in the plot, but they weren’t consist and they weren’t maintained. For an example, the ending of the book was a huge let down and I expected it to want me to immediately pick up the next book in the series. It hasn’t done that. It’s got a spark, but there’s no raging fire and it’s ultimately lacking something that I cannot put my finger on. I would recommend it to any of my teenager friends but not to my adult ones as I suspect they would display sincere frustration at the plot holes, and I would give it a 3 out of 5 stars.
Everybody has skeletons; but some skeletons shouldn’t always remain hidden away in the closet. Skeletons we don’t want to face or we dread to see the day they show themselves, but they always end up coming out. Debut novelist Anna Shinoda has presented the literary world her first Young Adult book, and she has also confronted several hard issues. Ten years in the making, Learning Not to Drown, was released to the public on April 1st 2014. Clare, the main protagonist and the story teller in this book, confronts her skeletons in this confronting novel about what happens when those skeletons have been kept locked for too long.
Clare has always loved her brother Luke, always loved him for being the bigger brother who looked out for his little sister and fended off the bullies. But he hasn’t always been there for her and despite having his darker side blanketed by parents that loved him no matter what, she is about to find out what her family’s skeleton has been hiding.
Luke is a known trouble maker, and is out of jail. But how long can he keep his illegal activities away from his beloved little sister? When Clare finds out about what he has been up to, she is faced with some heavy decisions. Decisions her parents, do not approve of and she will be left in a tangled web of lies, hard choices to make, and secrets.
Anna Shinoda, the author, takes on a challenge to wrap the reader’s heart in her hands and to take the reader on a rollarcoster filled with emotions. A challenge that has been completed with a raging success. The novel she has produced is somewhat very emotional, set to make the reader think, and to think hard about the emotions Clare goes through in this book. Adapting the first narrative technique, you walk with Clare every step of the way, and this contributes to the intensity of what Clare is feeling. The character development of Clare herself, and the relationships she holds with her family and her friends, they were developed well that the reader doesn’t feel overwhelmed with so much information at once, but the reader is still left wanting more of it and Shinoda delivers.
This has been quite a challenge for Shinoda personally, to write this book, and it is difficult to pinpoint and specify all them, but this novel that has set her writing career in unbreakable foundations among many people that can relate to Clare (including Shinoda) has shone through. To tackle such issues like a family member enduring jail time, lies, secrets, and trying to break free of poisonous relationships, I think that takes a lot of courage, especially when you have a debut novel that you can strongly relate to. The composition is great and it flows smoothly throughout.
I’m an avid Young Adult lover personally when it comes to my book shelf/shelves (more like it), but I think Clare and Shinoda have really broke the surface when it comes to a great Young Adult read. It’s lived up to other reviews that I have read, that it’s indeed raw, gritty and down to the bone. It’s a book that captures the reader’s attention immediately and holds your attention through out. I would easily give this book a five out of five star rating and I would recommend it to anyone.