They say that bed time is the time for relaxation and reflection. What about here’s what reflection has made me; one huge damn anxious tensed up stress ball that is back on the proverbial street wondering where exactly I’m going in my life.
They say go get a job, go get married and have kids. Did one out of two. Why aren’t I married like the rest of my friends my age? Because I’ll forever be a dreamer, a worthless dreamer. That kid that sits in the corner and tries to block out everything bad, cover it up with laughter and blanket it with smiles, when inside I am twenty shades of fucked up. How am i supposed to move on if I can’t even get the fuck up from my spot?
This borderline is getting ridiculously out of hand and new doctors are being called in to reassess me with so many more problems they’re gonna try to dope and anaesthetised me with. I’m just the huge ball of worthlessness inside words and suppressed thoughts that are exaggerated with anxiety and frustration.
My depression will be the death of me some day, I now count the days to when I’m totally in a downward spiral and actually do kill myself. I live in fear of myself and my psyche on a subliminal daily basis. My psychosocial problems are starting to burn friendships and I can’t even tell them apart from my normal anti social tendencies. I’m grateful for the friends who understand me and know that it takes one wrong move for me to flip out completely. I can’t control it. I hate it. I hate me. I just don’t think people understand what mentality does to me when I’ve done nothing to deserve this.
What have I done that is so bad i deserve self torture? What have I done to deserve fucked up and abusive relationships?
Everything is just so screwed and i can’t do a single damn thing about it.