Jack White covered Led Zepplin tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Your argument is invalid. This set list is epic! I’m glad he tossed it up!
I had a shit upbringing. My parents would deny it, because that’s what my mother would do. She stayed with my wretched father for us – through his alcholism and his emotional abuse he put us through. I should be thankful that I wasn’t raped by him, murdered or physically tortured like other cases I’ve read about, where the father is the one guzzling down three bottles of red wine a night and bashing his wife. No my family suffered emotionally and financially. I should be thankful. But I’m not. I never want to go back to those days, where I felt like I was the one to blame. I had the shit experience of having to feel like I was shit some years later, thanks to various males in my life. It’s what part of growing up, isn’t it? You love, you get burnt. No. I hate myself for putting myself in those positions because I was too blind to see what was happening.
It’s a known fact. I hate myself.
I will never learn to love myself for who I am. I always want to better than people. I always want to be thinner. I always want to be prettier. That’s what gets me in a knot – because I always want what I can’t have. Because it only makes me upset that I will never live out my life like everybody else around me. I will never have the father for my kids, I wanted him to be – the father figure I lacked. I’m a girl with a lot of daddy issues because I will never forgive him for how he made me feel at such a young age. I will never forgive him for breaking up our family. I will never forgive him period. Even if he dies tomorrow, I may not forgive him. I would mourn him, but I would never forgive – mourning and forgiving are two different things.
I see him once in a blue mood. It’s like one big reality show where it’s scripted and you’re meant to act good for the sake of production and audience. The same goes for my sister – that was a disaster in the making that relationship. She always wanted to be the mother of the family, being first born and all, but at the end of the day, she pushed me away even more. I resent her. She’s just like my father. I would mourn her, but I wouldn’t forgive her.
Today, I thought about suicide.
Scary fucking thought hey? It scared the shit out of me too. I have said this in a previous blog post – there’s one thing in the world stopping me from completely necking it. My girls. You can leave me homeless, leave me without food and water but I will love them. They have been the only family that have somewhat seen me through hard times recently, and thoroughly. I can’t even type this without crying, because it’s that frightening. The most horrifying thing about committing suicide is the very thought of no one finding my girls for days at end, after I slit all the veins in my wrists and let myself bleed out all over the kitchen floor. They would be hungry, they would be dirty and they would be unloved. I never want them to grow up, thinking that I killed myself because of them – because it’s the exact thought I had growing up with my father – he was an alcholic at the end of the day because of me. It was all my fault. I didn’t know why, but it was my fault because no one was around to explain that his alcholism had been going on before I was even born. I could never do that to them.
I’m overtired as fuck.
I should be happy.
But I’m ballin’.
Instead of trying to figure out why I felt so bad this afternoon and writing everything down, it’s made me worse. I want to crawl into bed and go to sleep.
I never want to wake up.
I want to be comatised for eternity.
But that would be hypocritical if I want to watch my girls grow up to have a life, I couldn’t have at that age.
I feel like fucking puking now.
My anxiety attacks are a downward spiral lately and combined with borderline bipolar and depression, it’ll be the death of me one day. Just not today. Being comotise and dead are two different things. I want to wake up and don’t want these memories to exist. Hell, I don’t even want to remember my own name when I wake up.
I don’t expect sympathy for this. I don’t want sympathy because frankly no matter how much I cry or write, no one will ever understand me. My words have just made me more upset than calm, like I had hoped. I don’t know what I want at the end of the day other than being a coma patient with cerebral cortex damage.
Every question that can be answered must be
answered or at least engaged.
Illogical thought processes must be
challenged when they arise.
Wrong answers must be corrected.
Correct answers must be affirmed.
– Erudite faction manifesto
It started with a dystopic and chaotic faction based world in the first of the Divergent books and it ends with Allegiant, Veronica Roth’s final instalment to the three part book trilogy. In this final instalment of Divergent, both Tris and Tobias are faced with a number of problems including finding out the truth about the lie that they have grown to call social normality.
On the other side of the fence, beyond the city’s border, lies the Bureau – a government organisation that have been using and abusing the power of science and opening up a new definition to the word ‘faction’. These factions, the pair find out, have been nothing but a result to create a balance between the Genetically Pure and the Genetically Damaged. The Bureau has been behind everything and it’s up to Tris and her fellow companions to fix the wrongs, but how can they do that when there are even quarrels amongst their rebellion?
Roth has presented the final trilogy to the New York Times best selling Divergent series, as a roller-coaster. Unlike it’s second predecessor, Insurgent, the book writes itself for another lengthy number of pages. I was surprised to pick it up and it immediately left off where Insurgent finished. The continuity was somewhat impressive and it still had that fire and passion that Insurgent had but Divergent lacked. As mentioned before, it is a lengthy read at 526 pages including the epilogue.
The only negative in this book I found was indeed the length of it. It took me quite a while to read, even though when finally read I realised the cause of the length of it, but for a book that’s aimed at Young Adults, it’s quite a long book that requires perseverance to read all of it.
Roth adapts the first person narrative approach again, but instead of standing in just Tris’ shoes, she takes on a new character, Tobias (also known as Four) and stands in his shoes. At first I wasn’t sure why this approach was taken, because it felt like it was an uncalled move and felt disruptive to the patterns of its predecessors in the trilogy. But I found soon out why that approach was done and I highly praise Roth for taking the last instalment this way in the way of literary techniques.
There were still little quirks about the book, and certain events that I deemed unnecessary to the plot in its entirety, but I still would like to give it a higher rating than the first book. I would give it to 3 and a half stars.
The war has come to the factions in the second Divergent book by Veronica Roth, called Insurgent and a lot more is going to be put to test than Four’s and Tris’ evolving relationship. In a dystopic society where you are catagorised by factions which in themselves include some sort of faction rivalry, it is always said, faction before blood and Tris finds this out the hard way. In Roth’s second book to the three part sequel of the Divergent series, Tris is starting to find out a lot of things the hard way and things aren’t always what they seem when it comes to finding out the truth, whether it be what instigated the war to who you can really trust.
Caught up in other people’s family dramas and her own when faced with working with her brother Caleb, her only surviving family member. Things will take a rollarcoaster adventure both physically and emotionally as Roth writes a surprisingly gripping experience that leaves the writer actually wanting more throughout unlike the initial book, but doesn’t deliver on a sound ending.
Unlike the first book to this series, Insurgent has that flame to it which Divergent failed to light. In Divergent, I felt the introduction to it was slow and rather confusing at times. Taking on the perspective of the first person, tends to have that effect on readers especially if you’re not aware of the prerequisite dystopic themes that is heavily surveyed on the back of the book. Insurgent’s plot could be why the introduction was so quick paced because the reader left off from Divergent’s ending. Though, the reason why I liked Insurgent more was because there were several well done climaxes to it and there was a fire that was metaphorically lit to keep the reader wanting to more, where as, Divergent failed to deliver on that.
I couldn’t put this book down, because for a Young Adult book, it was really well done and considering how much the whole dystopic genre has been popularised since Hunger Games came to our screens amongst young adults, I usually like to avoid where possible. But Insurgent delivered but what’s stopping me from giving it a full five out five stars, is the ending. I don’t know why, but Divergent left me not wanting more by the time the ending came around. It was this huge expected climax at the end, more than just Tori getting revenge and Tris struggling to stop her friend, I would have liked to see a little bit more adventure and more evenly spaced out at the ending. So I’ll give it a four out five, just because I was reading this until 2 am at some points of this book.
In a world set in the genetically modified future, you have one hard decision to make in your entire life time and that could pave the way for fortunate, or unfortunate things for you. Abnegation, Candor, Erudite, Amity or Dauntless are the factions Beatrice, the protagonist, is faced with to choose from. But no one ever mentioned Divergent as being a faction to her. Veronica Roth, has created this futuristic novel, Divergent, that follows the life of young Beatrice, (who then later gets known as Tris later in the book) and her adventures in the quick and cunning faction of Dauntless.
Being the youngest of her selfless Abnegation family, Beatrice has set herself up for some adventure. The initiation process is tough and grueling, both mentally and physically, but on the lighter side of things, she meets some friends and of course, foes, along the way. But what is ahead for everyone in the Dauntless faction, no one saw coming. She must separate friends from foes as she finds out on more than one occasion, that sometimes you have to be selfless in order to be brave.
This book sets the initial foundations for the Divergent trilogy of books, which has recently been made into a motion picture which was firstly published in 2011 (I was reading a 2013 edition). Using the first person narrative, Roth plunges the reader head fist into the deep end immediately, which can be confusing at times and it’s up to the reader to try and piece things together. Initially, I was unsure of Roth’s technique to immediately put the reader in the deep end, but as I read on, the technique was somewhat justified. On the terms of character development between Beatrice and other characters, it’s a rickety edge on some characters and I would have liked to see more of a development between Beatrice and her parents in the first few chapters. But in having said that, I liked the cautionary approach to the relationship between Beatrice and Four.
Be aware mature adult readers, that this book is designed for a teenager audience and you may be used to more of an extensive and diverse plot, but Divergent will not be for you if you set your expectations too high. In having said that, coming from a literary point of view, it has had a few good climaxes in the plot, but they weren’t consist and they weren’t maintained. For an example, the ending of the book was a huge let down and I expected it to want me to immediately pick up the next book in the series. It hasn’t done that. It’s got a spark, but there’s no raging fire and it’s ultimately lacking something that I cannot put my finger on. I would recommend it to any of my teenager friends but not to my adult ones as I suspect they would display sincere frustration at the plot holes, and I would give it a 3 out of 5 stars.